Broken Winter
by Kuriyami
Summary: Written for BearFeetz. Collins writes a note. Filled with angst, like most of my works.


I wrote the first three sentences, and showed them to the delightful BearFeetz. She said write a Collins!suicide fic...and I decided it would fit. So, I warn you now, if you don't like the idea of Collins ending his own life, please don't read. I don't want flames saying, "I can't believe you did that! Collins would never do that!" I know Collins isn't that kind of guy; I just wrote it on my own accord.

Anyway, please enjoy, guys. Don't hate me too much.

* * *

It was snowing. Big, white flakes rained down. The night loomed heavy upon the city, choking it of light. The letter was almost done.

_Hey._

_I just wanted to say...I'm sorry. I know this isn't like me, but_

_Shit. Just let me say what needs to be said. I really don't want to write a long goodbye. It hurts too much, to imagine you guys reading this. I don't want you guys to read sappy words. That's not me, you know. I like to get it right out there._

_Mimi - I just wanted to thank you for being there with me in the late hours of the night, me and Angel. I know she was your best friend. ...I know it still hurts, I know it hurt to be there. But thank you. I loved you more in those moments than you will ever know. I know you were mainly there for Angel...but I also always thought you were there for me, too. Remember, Mimi, get your shit together and all. You can do so much, baby. And remember Roger's an ass. Always has been, always will be. But he loves you, I know that much. Don't give up on him just yet, Mimi. He'll come through. Always has._

_Joanne - You threw me for a loop, you know that? A lawyer hanging out with us misfits? But you fit in, and it was nice having you around. I remember that one night that you came over, so upset over Maureen, and the boys were both asleep. You really came to talk to Mark, but we ended up talking instead. Can you imagine the image? Anarchist and lawyer sitting together in a dingy kitchen talking about religion and the world? Ha! We made quite a pair, you and I. I'm glad we met, Joanne, glad we got to bond a little._

_Maureen - Heh. The drama queen. I would watch you around Mark and Roger, flirting around, being your crazy self. I think you only ever really showed yourself to me. At first, it surprised me when you wanted to talk about life. You have some good points, Maureen, about the homeless and the world. You're off the a good start, with the protests and everything. I always think that's what you wanted to hear. Not, "What a great protest!" but "You're making a difference, Maureen, you're changing the world." So I'm saying it now. You're changing the world, Maureen. You can do it, baby. Just believe._

_Benny - I figured I'd write something to you anyway. You were our friend once, and that has to count for something in this life. I always thought you regretted losing touch with us, and you even told me a few times when we got drunk, how you wished it could have been different. You and I were pretty close way back when, and I didn't mind keeping in touch with you. Benny, I'll always be grateful to you for paying for my Angel's funeral. You didn't have to, but you did. And that meant a lot to me. Still does, to be honest._

_Roger - You and I, man. We were...we were something! You and I were kind of opposites, you loud and ready to speak your mind, and me being more quiet, withdrawn. But I loved you for it, Roger. You and I were so different, but we just meshed together perfectly. I didn't regret moving into the loft, never. You and Mark and I? We were it, Roger. We owned the world. You take care of Mimi now; Angel wouldn't forgive me if I didn't tell you that. I know you love her, you just have a hard time explaining it. Especially after April. ...I'm sorry about this, Roger. I don't mean to hurt you by doing this. _

_Mark - Ah, the timid film maker. I remember when you first met me, Mark. You were kind of scared; don't deny it, I could see it in your eyes. But once we got used to each other, once we got to talking, you got used to me. You would come to me for everything, and I was glad you did that. I was glad to be that person you would come to for comfort. Mark, I worry about you. I can't always pin down why, but take care of yourself. Don't completely immerse yourself in your work. I tried that once. Thought it did me some good to always be occupied, but trust me, it's not. You've got to live a little. I'm afraid life is going to pass you by, Mark. I was always caught up in my work, especially when I learned I had AIDS, and then I met Angel...Just remember, Mark, that life goes fast, and it will go by without you if you let it. A little last philosophy, I guess._

_This isn't sudden. I've thought about this for a long time. I've missed my Angel for a long time. I want to go home to her. I miss her so much. She was my life. _

_I never said goodbye to her. When we were alone right before she died, I never said goodbye. I just said how much I loved her. You guys always asked me what I said to her, and I never really told you._

_Angel, I'm a little angry at you for leaving me so suddenly, leaving me alone. I remembered when you said to me, "I loved you the first moment I saw you. Damn us for falling for each other. We willingly accepted our tragedies, we accepted that we would end like this. I love you, Collins, but sometimes I wish I hadn't. Then you wouldn't be here, crying over me." You felt so guilty. You didn't want me to be with you every moment, knowing that any of them could be your last. You wanted me to be with my friends, go out and try to forget you were in that bed. You wanted me to live. _

_You forgot, my Angel, that I didn't live until I met you. You opened my eyes; I was only really awake when I was with you. _

_I won't be here when you get this. I called 911 right after I wrote those messages to you guys; they'll find me before you do. I remember April. I don't want you guys to have to find me._

_I love you all. You guys couldn't have stopped this. It was bound to happen. I love you._

_Angel, baby. I can't wait to see your face._

_Guys, I'm finally going home. Home._

He signed a big C at the bottom, and that was all that was needed. It was sealed, and delivered to the loft. The only time Roger had seen Mark start to sob in public was when he started to read the letter. They later cried together amongst numerous bottles of alcohol later, the letter on the kitchen table. Benny would pay for the funeral, as well as Joanne. Really, they all pitched in.

The medics found him on his bed. Wrists were slashed, extremely deep. He couldn't have been alive long after he did that. But he had a smile on his face.

It was hard to pry the drumsticks from Collins's fingers. In the end, they gave up and left them in his hands.

_-fin._


End file.
